I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Monday?
No. Next question.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I never needed anything more in my life
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.