if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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found my next D&D character name
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.