Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Damn what did I do next
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.