[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
You Might Also Like
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Blew my mind.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.