I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Good dog. ❤️
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.