Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen