“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Finally
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough