I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Velcrow
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius