This is so me 😂😂
You Might Also Like
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
men, we mow at sunrise.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do