Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Reverend_Scott's best tweets

@Reverend_Scott : Me: I won't be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore. Therapist: why's that? Me: I got a dog.

@Reverend_Scott: Wife: I don't think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I'm gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

@Reverend_Scott: Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can't, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE'LL COME BACK LATER.

@Reverend_Scott: Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@Reverend_Scott: Me: I'm too scared to fly

Therapist: You're more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

@Reverend_Scott: I don't understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

@Reverend_Scott: "How can I help u, Bowser?"

I need a loan

"For ANOTHER castle?"

A flying castle

"U have like 24 already"

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: dude, that's the scariest costume I've ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

@Reverend_Scott: wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@Reverend_Scott: salesman: you'll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before