Funny Tweeter

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Page of Reverend_Scott's best tweets

@Reverend_Scott : DAD: please help find my daughter DETECTIVE: what does she look like DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D... I DON'T KNOW

@Reverend_Scott: It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

@Reverend_Scott: Nurse: how's that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient's chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

@Reverend_Scott: [job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

@Reverend_Scott: Disney's Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I'm going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

@Reverend_Scott: Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They're not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: ...is this a prank?

@Reverend_Scott: [Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It's just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power... [winks]

@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: That's the best haunted house I've seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?