@Reverend_Scott: Wife: I don't think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I'm gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
@Reverend_Scott: Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can't, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE'LL COME BACK LATER.
@Reverend_Scott: Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
@Reverend_Scott: Me: I'm too scared to fly
Therapist: You're more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
@Reverend_Scott: I don't understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
@Reverend_Scott: "How can I help u, Bowser?"
I need a loan
"For ANOTHER castle?"
A flying castle
"U have like 24 already"
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: dude, that's the scariest costume I've ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
@Reverend_Scott: wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
@Reverend_Scott: salesman: you'll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before