@Reverend_Scott: God: welcome to heaven. here's your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won't be needing those.
@Reverend_Scott: customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it's... too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
@Reverend_Scott: if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
@Reverend_Scott: Dog 911: what's ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
@Reverend_Scott: ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
@Reverend_Scott: [hands mom flowers on Mother's day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
@Reverend_Scott: [praying mantis home]
"Happy Mother's Day, mom"
Aww, thank u, son
"Mom, why did Dad leave?"
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry