@Reverend_Scott: It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
@Reverend_Scott: Nurse: how's that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient's chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
@Reverend_Scott: Disney's Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I'm going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
@Reverend_Scott: Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They're not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: ...is this a prank?
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It's just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power... [winks]
@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: That's the best haunted house I've seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?