Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Reverend_Scott's best tweets

@Reverend_Scott : Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then- Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

@Reverend_Scott: [first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

@Reverend_Scott: [knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it's my dog's birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

@Reverend_Scott: me: I'd like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can't do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don't be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@Reverend_Scott: Principal: about your son...

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we've found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

@Reverend_Scott: Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you... did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

@Reverend_Scott: Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I'm not ugly

@Reverend_Scott: [Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn't...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: What's your emer-

DOG: THERE'S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY'RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@Reverend_Scott: Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs