@Reverend_Scott: [first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
@Reverend_Scott: [knock at door]
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it's my dog's birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
@Reverend_Scott: me: I'd like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can't do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don't be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
@Reverend_Scott: Principal: about your son...
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we've found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
@Reverend_Scott: Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you... did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
@Reverend_Scott: Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I'm not ugly
@Reverend_Scott: [Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn't...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: What's your emer-
DOG: THERE'S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY'RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
@Reverend_Scott: Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs