@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: That's the best haunted house I've seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
@Reverend_Scott: Dinosaur 911: what's ur emer-
Dinosaur: I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you're gonna laugh
@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
@Reverend_Scott: Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
@Reverend_Scott: [first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
@Reverend_Scott: [God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug 'em, but they usually won't want you to
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
@Reverend_Scott: God: this pie is outstanding. where'd you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
@Reverend_Scott: Wife: our friends won't call us back cuz they're sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me