Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Reverend_Scott's best tweets

@Reverend_Scott : "Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?" No, you'd be disappointed. "Wait-" Because- "Don't say it-" Omelette u down. "Please leave."

@Reverend_Scott: [first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Sir...

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@Reverend_Scott: Me: Welcome back to Fishin' with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

@Reverend_Scott: Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to Heaven]

GOD: Hello, welcome to-

ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?

GOD: Right this way.

@Reverend_Scott: [5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I'd like to go meet him rn

@Reverend_Scott: [job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

"Yes"

WELL YOU'RE RIGHT.

@Reverend_Scott: Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]