Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Reverend_Scott's best tweets

@Reverend_Scott : [Heaven] God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth Stan Lee: Nuff said! God: It's just part of the job Stan Lee: well with great power... [winks]

@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: That's the best haunted house I've seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

@Reverend_Scott: Dinosaur 911: what's ur emer-

Dinosaur: I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you're gonna laugh

@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

@Reverend_Scott: Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

@Reverend_Scott: [first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

@Reverend_Scott: [God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug 'em, but they usually won't want you to

@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

@Reverend_Scott: God: this pie is outstanding. where'd you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

@Reverend_Scott: Wife: our friends won't call us back cuz they're sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me