@Reverend_Scott: [first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Sir...
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
@Reverend_Scott: Me: Welcome back to Fishin' with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
@Reverend_Scott: Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to Heaven]
GOD: Hello, welcome to-
ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?
GOD: Right this way.
@Reverend_Scott: [5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I'd like to go meet him rn
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
WELL YOU'RE RIGHT.
@Reverend_Scott: Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]