Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.