THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.