[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Did my cat write this
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids