“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*pronounces patio like ratio
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”