Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Rica_Bee's best tweets

@Rica_Bee : Him: I think we should see other people Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

@Rica_Bee: [checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma'am, we'll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren't... aren't there real rooms here

@Rica_Bee: Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

@Rica_Bee: The big book of baby names but for safe words

@Rica_Bee: [first 2 hours of meeting]


[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn't time sensitive at all but I'd still like an answer right now thanks

@Rica_Bee: Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE...

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO...

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

@Rica_Bee: Y'all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people's homes uninvited

@Rica_Bee: Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

@Rica_Bee: I can never hear what my kids are up to while I'm in the shower so I just yell "HEY cut it out!" every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

@Rica_Bee: Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone's drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) "goddamnit"