Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
You Might Also Like
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
This did not end as expected.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I think I’m having a stroke
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]