[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
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Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
What’s so funny?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
much to think about
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol