Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
saving face 👀
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
look at me when i’m typing to you
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.