*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
#parenting
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.