The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!