There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Duck typos.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.