Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
the official breakfast of 2021
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself