Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak