The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Meowchelangelo
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.