Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RocketRankoon's best tweets

@RocketRankoon : [flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

@RocketRankoon: I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

@RocketRankoon: I'm not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like 'my dog is cute' and mine would be all cool like 'I love you Susan'

@RocketRankoon: *GF walks in dressed up
"Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?"
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

@RocketRankoon: Friend: How's your sex life?
Me: Why'd you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

@RocketRankoon: [In the middle of shootout]
Hey, can I borrow your chapstick?

@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@RocketRankoon: "So, do you play any instruments?"
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*