@RocketRankoon: I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
@RocketRankoon: I'm not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like 'my dog is cute' and mine would be all cool like 'I love you Susan'
@RocketRankoon: *GF walks in dressed up
"Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?"
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
@RocketRankoon: Friend: How's your sex life?
Me: Why'd you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
@RocketRankoon: "So, do you play any instruments?"
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*