@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
@RocketRankoon: "So, do you play any instruments?"
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
@RocketRankoon: [5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
@RocketRankoon: [picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
@RocketRankoon: Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
@RocketRankoon: *swivels around in evil chair*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
"Holy shit, that cat just laughed!"
@RocketRankoon: Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball