Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RocketRankoon's best tweets

@RocketRankoon : I'm not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like 'my dog is cute' and mine would be all cool like 'I love you Susan'

@RocketRankoon: *GF walks in dressed up
"Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?"
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold

@RocketRankoon: Friend: How's your sex life?
Me: Why'd you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

@RocketRankoon: [In the middle of shootout]
Hey, can I borrow your chapstick?

@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@RocketRankoon: "So, do you play any instruments?"
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@RocketRankoon: [5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

@RocketRankoon: [picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*