Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.