A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.