Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Rollinintheseat's best tweets

@Rollinintheseat : Alec Baldwin always sounds like he's trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

@Rollinintheseat: Doctor's office: "Can you fax us your information?"

Me: "Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number."

@Rollinintheseat: I'm not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

@Rollinintheseat: [First date]

Him: "I'm Mark. I'm a librarian."

Me: "So, you're a book Mark?"

@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why should we hire you for our research team?"

Me: "I went to the second page on a Google search once."

@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion]

Person: "Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?"

Me: "You told me to never change."

@Rollinintheseat: I've been using a lot of moisturizer. I'm at aloe point in my life.

@Rollinintheseat: Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

@Rollinintheseat: I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@Rollinintheseat: [blind date]

Him: "I'm a big Beethoven fan."

ME *trying to impress him*

"Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed."