@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we're all in a secret wheelchair club.
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, "I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, "I have a lot of friends who walk.”
@Rollinintheseat: Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
@Rollinintheseat: “Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
@Rollinintheseat: When people say “You’re beautiful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." I want to respond, "Nobody has really been telling me I'm ugly.”
@Rollinintheseat: *Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: "When is your wedding?"
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Do you consider yourself a punctual person?"
Me: "I was born three months premature."
@Rollinintheseat: A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
@Rollinintheseat: Alec Baldwin always sounds like he's trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.