Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Rollinintheseat's best tweets

@Rollinintheseat : I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@Rollinintheseat: [blind date]

Him: "I'm a big Beethoven fan."

ME *trying to impress him*

"Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed."

@Rollinintheseat: *Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: "Are you moving?"

Me: "No, why?"

@Rollinintheseat: It's like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.

@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're good at jumping to conclusions?"

Me: "When can I start?"

@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion]

Person: "I don't remember you."

Me: *starts crying*

Person: "Now I remember you."

@Rollinintheseat: Lois Lane: "Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?"

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

@Rollinintheseat: "Hi, I'm Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it."

@Rollinintheseat: When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

@Rollinintheseat: Doctor: "You have an arrhythmia."

Me: "Wow, most people tell me I can't dance."