Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Rollmaninoz's best tweets

@Rollmaninoz : Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

@Rollmaninoz: [starbucks]
ME: I'll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

@Rollmaninoz: *stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

@Rollmaninoz: *office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
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CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

@Rollmaninoz: *First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

@Rollmaninoz: *pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@Rollmaninoz: Cop: *with my license* says here you're supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don't care who you know, put your glasses on

@Rollmaninoz: *ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran 'Shape Of You' plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@Rollmaninoz: Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you're describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

@Rollmaninoz: *coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder