Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Rollmaninoz's best tweets

@Rollmaninoz : *pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am* WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@Rollmaninoz: Cop: *with my license* says here you're supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don't care who you know, put your glasses on

@Rollmaninoz: *ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran 'Shape Of You' plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@Rollmaninoz: Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you're describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

@Rollmaninoz: *coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@Rollmaninoz: In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.

@Rollmaninoz: *Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@Rollmaninoz: God: *inventing the elephant* let's just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@Rollmaninoz: [date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct

@Rollmaninoz: Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she's never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he's back here again