Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of Rollmaninoz's best tweets

@Rollmaninoz : Me: More fur & these cute little whisk- Police Sketch artist: you're describing a cat Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

@Rollmaninoz: *coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@Rollmaninoz: In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.

@Rollmaninoz: *Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@Rollmaninoz: God: *inventing the elephant* let's just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@Rollmaninoz: [date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct

@Rollmaninoz: Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she's never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he's back here again

@Rollmaninoz: *KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

@Rollmaninoz: *Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

@Rollmaninoz: Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)