*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.