Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Why font matters.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks