Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.