It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?