A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I only say stupid things when I talk.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
He a real one for that