i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Bros before Ohioes
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.