Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Brb my Sims are getting married
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
listen closely
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”