First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.