What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
fair
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”