Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
These are too funny not to post 😂
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.