there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
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hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Traveler’s camo
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.