Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.