My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three