Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
You Might Also Like
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
yes… yes…
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.