“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?