Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Cake!!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist