Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything