Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it鈥檚 cuz you got them bone hands
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Best Halloween yard decorations 馃槀
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I鈥檝e hired her as my personal assistant
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 馃槈
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Isn鈥檛 that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me