First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!