My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5