It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?