Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.