[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
You Might Also Like
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.