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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: